Gintama Short Stories
by 8SnowyTacos8
Summary: Chapter 1: "Gintoki died, leaving the world of the living forever," Okita Sougo said, in a gloomy tone, as Hijikata trembled in irritation. His commander had gotten out the popcorn, and Yamazaki was muching on anpan. Read to find out what's happening. Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama or any of it's characters at all.
1. Bedtime Stories with Sougo

**Author's Note!**

**Wrote it 'cus I was bored.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Disclaimer: This manga/anime doesn't belong to me at all, trust me, I'm just a big fan of it**

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_On a rainy gloomy day, swords clashed and exchanged blows. Both of the men fell with serious wounds. One died, and the other, clinging to his life._

_Gintoki's bloody limp form laid there on a concrete road near the sea shore in the rain, as his body slowly got soaked by the millions of raindrops, dropping from the heavens._

"_Haah, so this is… it?" he murmured, staring up to the cloudy sky, his hand still tightly gripped onto his strong wooden sword, "Am… I going to die…?"_

_His stubbornly curly silver hair was now limp and dull, though still shined by the wet drops of rain._

_His enemy was already dead. His corpse fell off the cliff and disappeared into the dark seas, where he doubted it would ever be found again._

_Did his vacations never go right? He couldn't help but try to remember the last time his vacation went right and completely on plan, only to fail and remember that Kagura had eaten his last orange Popsicle and ate his share of dinner._

_It was okay. He liked grape popsicles better anyways._

_From the stomach area, blood slowly soaked through his white kimono, staining it thick with crimson red. Despite the intense pain he should be feeling, his brain didn't register it._

_He knew his friends would be coming soon, and would see him in this shameful state soon, though he would've preferred to be found standing up and straight like a man, and start teasing them for thinking that he wouldn't be able to beat his enemy, but that obviously wasn't an option now._

"_GIN-SAN!" a cry rang out, as footsteps rapidly approached, splashes being heard as Shinpachi it was quickly came to Gintoki's side._

"_Gin-san, please hang in there!" Shinpachi pleaded, glasses blurred by rain as he hurriedly kneeled down, reaching for his cell phone to call for an ambulance, "help will come soon!" _

_Gintoki tiredly laid there, his crimson eyes staring at Shinpachi's worried face, as Shinpachi's trembling fingers quickly dialed the emergency number._

"_Heh, I knew you would come," Gintoki weakly smiled, and stubbornly tightened his hold on his sword, "I knew you wouldn't let me down… *cough* *cough!*"_

"_Save your breath!" Shinpachi panicked, as blood slowly leaked out of Gintoki's mouth, "You'll be okay! You'll make it!"_

_Gintoki closed his eyes and didn't reply, as his other hand gripped his wound that was starting to make a thick puddle of blood beside him, also dirtying Shinpachi's kimono._

"_Shinpachi! GIN-CHAN!" Kagura screamed, as she raced towards them like a bullet, with her red umbrella up and high, "IS HE OKAY?!"_

_Shinichi slowly shook his head, as his black cell phone slowly connected._

_Hurry up! Shinpachi pleaded, begging the black phone to connect already, Gin's dying!_

"_Hello, please state your name and your emergency," A calm female voice said from the other end, as Shinpachi quickly stuttered out the words._

"_I-I'm Shinpachi and-"_

_He got cut off, as Kagura angrily snatched the black cell phone out of his hands._

"_GIN-CHAN IS DYING! YOU STUPID STUPID BASTARDS AND BITCHES! GO DIE IN HELL AND BEFORE YOU DO THAT, HELP US ALREADYYY! GIN-CHAN- GIN-CHAN MIGHT NOT MAKE IT!" She screamed into the phone, and then smashed it onto the concrete ground in fury._

_The cell phone smashed into pieces, as the screen landed into a puddle of blood._

"_K…kagura-chan!" Shinpachi cried, shocked at her actions regardless of the fact he already knew that she was incredibly outrageous when angry, "We can't call the others to let them know now!"_

_Kagura slumped onto the wet bloody ground, dropping her umbrella as she looked at Gintoki's pained expression and his bloody wound, spreading slowly on the concrete ground and painting the green grass red. Tears leaked down her soft childish cheeks, and her vermillion hair was soaked through by the stubborn rain._

"_Y-yo Kagura," Gintoki grinned, peeling open one eye, "Whatcha c-crying for? D-did you lose y-your lollipop or s-something?" he joked, as he winced at the increasing pain that spread through his body, starting at his wound._

"_YOU IDIOT!" she yelled in his face, tears brimming in her eyes, "I TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T BEAT HIM! WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN! YOU STUPID STUPID BASTARD! IF YOU WANT TO DIE, THEN JUST GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF AND SHOOT YOURSELF OR SOMETHING!"_

"_Hey, I-I did beat him though," Gintoki smirked, closing his one eye and rolling his wet head to a side to point at the cliff, "I w-was so awesome, th-that he j-jumped off that cliff d-due to utter terror of m-me!"_

"_Are you sure he wasn't just too scared of your ugly face?" _

_Katsura popped out from nowhere, with Elizabeth beside him._

"_Z-Zura!" Gintoki smiled, opening his eyes to look at his face._

"_It's not Zura, it's Katsura," Katsura corrected urgently, and Elizabeth held up a sign that said 'get it right dumbass' to prove his point._

"_Are the ambulances coming?!" Shinpachi cried, looking desperately at the wound that seemed to gush blood now, despite the tight grip that Gintoki had, clenching onto the ripped skin._

_Katsura ripped off the sleeve of his kimono, and pressed it to the wound to stop bleeding._

"_Do it properly, otherwise it won't work," Katsura calmly said, though panic was bouncing up and down in his esophagus._

"…_T-Thanks Zura," Gintoki grinned, giving him a weak thumbs up, "Looks like I owe you one."_

"_Are the amblances coming?" Shinpachi repeated, with urgency in his voice and a fiery anger that started to brew inside of him._

"_The weather is getting worse, and the ambulances are having trouble driving here quick enough," Katsura said quickly, applying a little more pressure to the wound, but the blood kept on gushing out, "and it's Katsura!" he added hastily._

"_Damn it!" Shinpachi swore, and quickly took Kagura's phone out of her pocket and started calling everyone Gintoki was dear to and knew._

_A very pale Gintoki observed his friends, as he felt his vision blur. Yes, he was dying. And he knew he wasn't going to make it, but he was going to try._

"_Everyone," he mumbled, getting everyone's attention immediately, "Thanks for everything…"_

"_NO!" Kagura screeched, "GIN-CHAN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE!"_

_But Gintoki's vision was already darkening._

"_Flat-chested idiot, I don't plan on dying anytime soon," Gintoki grinned, still hanging onto the sword tightly, "I'm not going to die until Shinpachi's precious place grows into a hammer!"_

"_DON'T BRING MY THING INTO THIS" Shinpachi shouted, poking Gintoki hard in the cheek, while making sure not to hurt him._

_Katsura knew the bloody Gintoki much more than the other two, but he has never seen Gintoki bleed this much. There was a high chance of him dying from blood loss, but the wound still wouldn't stop bleeding._

"_Damn it Gintoki," he growled, sweat leaking down his forehead as he pressed a little more on the wound, "If you die here, I'll kill you!"_

"_But won't he be already dead?" Shinpachi pointed out, trying to spot the ambulances hopefully driving towards them from the highroad. _

"_Hm, good point," Katsura said, and Elizabeth nodded, taking out a random 'I love cucumbers' sign._

"_THEY'RE HERE!" Shinichi called, and quickly ran towards them to hurry them forwards, "GIN-SAN! THEY'RE HERE!_

_But when the stretchers and the paramedics arrived, Gintoki was already dead from blood loss, pale and weak-looking as the blood painted the scene bloody red._

_The rain stopped and the clouds dispersed._

_He had already departed the world of the living._

_Everyone gathered around his corpse, and stared at him in sadness._

"_Why… why didn't you hold on a little longer..." Shinpachi murmured, before yelling in distress, "GIN-SAAAN!"_

"_NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NO!" Kagura chanted and screamed, violently shaking Gintoki's body, "COOOME BACK GIN-CHAAAAAAAN!"_

_Katsura stared at not Gintoki's body, but something else._

"_Shinpachi, what is that?" Katsura asked, and pointed at Shinpachi's thing, "Why is it so bulgy?"_

"_DON'T INVOLVE MY THING!" Shinchi yelled in frustration and sadness, before catching that his thing was truly big and weird feeling._

"_W-WHAT?!" He screamed as he stared into his boxers, "WHAT IS THIS?!"_

_His jewls… had turned into a hammer._

"…and the end." Okita Sougo ended, and smiled sweetly and happily to the others, "And that was your bedtime story."

"WHAT THE HELL?! YOU EXPECT US TO SLEEP LIKE THAT?!" Hijikata shouted, and threw Yamazaki's shoe at Okita who swiftly dodged it, "AND WHO ASKED FOR THIS SADIST TO TELL A BEDTIME STORY?! WHY ARE WE HAVING BEDTIME STORIES?!"

"M-me," Yamazaki sorrily murmured, "Sorry, I ate too much anpan and had a stomachache-"

"AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!" Hijikata yelled, proceeding to throw another shoe at Yamazaki's face with deadly accuracy (and it made contact), "GO DIE WITH YOUR ANPAN!"

Hijikata irritatedly glanced at his commander, only to find him on his knees with his face in his hands, trembling all over.

"That… was sadly beautiful!" Isao Kondo, the commander sobbed, as tears ran down his cheeks in streams, "So SAD! I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FEEL THIS MUCH GRIEF FOR MY LOVE RIVAL!"

"And you, SHUT UP TOO!" Hijikata groaned, as he put out his smoky cigar by dropping and stomping on it, "I'm leaving!"

With a creak, the door shut from behind him, as he left the meeting room.

"Nice Job Okita Sougo!" Kondo gave him a thumbs up, "Thank you for your heart breaking story!"

"Anpan, Anpan, Anpan, Anpan, Anpan, Anpan, Anpan, Anpan, Anpan," Yamazaki chanted feverously, as he headed towards the Head quarters kitchen for some anpan.

Unknown to them all, Katsura was on their roof, eavesdropping to their conversation.

"Gintoki…" he sobbed stylishly, the way only a guy with long hair would be able to do, "NOOOOOOOO!"

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** :)**

**-Snow**


	2. Be careful of Sadistic Police Officers

**Hints of KaguraxSougo in this. Heck, actually, there IS KaguraxSougo in this. Just not a lot. Maybe just a bit. Wait, isn't that the same meaning as 'just a hint'? Well, whatever. Skip this chapter if you want.**

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**The** streets of Edo. That is what Sougo saw as he stared out of the car window. Busy, popular, and always full of life. Sadly, he couldn't take part of it.

Okita Sougo was a Shinsengumi member. They fight and risk their lives each day to protect this precious city, and lead it on a road for the better. This began after the Amanto started taking over Edo, and abusing their power.

He slowly drove through the streets full of people and Amanto, glancing back and forth for danger. Of course, if you looked at him, you would see pink bubblegum in his mouth, and his hands lazily crossed behind his head with an eye mask attached to his forehead. His hands weren't even on the wheel as he sat in his police car but really; he was actually being very serious and was totally on guard. Really.

He saw something. Something that was so excruciatingly inappropriate in his opinion, that he decided to take action.

He stepped his foot down on the gas pedal, and he zoomed off, through the crowd. Sougo was catching up to the girl. The law breaker. She was a insult to society.

"Hey you!" Sougo deadpanned, shouting through a megaphone, attracting many people's attentions, "You with the big white dog! The umbrella! China!"

"What is it?!" The Chinese girl roared, turning around to face him with an irritated face under the shade of her purple umbrella, "Shut up!"

"Refrain from allowing your dog to urinate on the ground," Sougo said loudly into the megaphone, as he gripped his bazooka. The white dog known as Sadaharu was peeing urine and shitting crap onto the ground in loads.

"Or else what?!" Kagura retorted, using a hand to plug her nose from the unearthly stenches of huge doggy doodoos, "Gonna arrest me?!"

"Well-"

"Shut up you pooper head, go drink some toilet water," Kagura lazily picked her nose, and stuck her tongue out at Sougo.

"No, instead, go commit seppuku," Sougo smiled sweetly, as he aimed his bazooka, "Die."

An explosion. Grass died, birds squawked, and many people shrieked as their conversation or whatever they were doing was disturbed by the explosion, though most ignored it and continued their way. It was a common occurrence.

The smoke cleared, and all that he could see was a broken down bench and pieces and drops of urine and crap all scattered over the ground.

"Heey," Sougo called to the bewildered people who were passing by, "Anyone got that on video?"

"HEY!" Kagura growled, her red-ish orange-ish head popping up from under a pile of broken wood and debris inside a hole, "I'M NOT DEAD YET!"

Only her head poked out from the ground in a snarl, as she growled menacingly at Sougo like a mad chipmunk who didn't get her food. Her purple umbrella laid not too far away.

"Oh?" Sougo asked nonchalantly, as he re-aimed his bazooka from his comfortable car seat, "Then let's try again."

Suddenly, the back of his police car closed in and was bent. All that was left of the car was the front part. Sougo was vaguely aware of the large white dog sitting on his car.

"China, please get your dog off of my car," Sougo smiled calmly, as he jumped off of the car and started aiming for the dog.

"YOU SADIST!" Kagura shouted from the hole she was stuck in, as she hacked her spitball onto Sougo's shoes, "DON'T KILL SADAHARU! DIE!"

"Hey, it's not nice to say that to an officer," Sougo said, and he re-aimed carefully, centimeters away from Kagura's head, "Bye bye~"

A sharp painful white thing hit his head with the force of a dump truck, and he was flung towards a wall which he collided with and broke. He landed in a heap of debris and wood pieces. Sadaharu was grinning evilly.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!" Kagura laughed maniacally, as she slowly dug herself out, "WHO'S GOING BYE BYE NOW HUH?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

She didn't notice the demon stand up again, and walk over to her since she was distracted by her loud laughter, until the spit-covered shoe (her spitball) collided with her auburn head.

"Oi oi, that's not nice~" Sougo smiled sweetly despite of the steady stream of blood dripping down his head, but to other people, it looked more like a snarl of disgust and a demon covered in blood, "come on, apologize now for your crime…"

"NO WAY! BASTARD! UGLY! DISGUSTING! DISGRACEFUL TO HUMANITY! POOP! YOU DOO DOO! I'LL BARF ON YOU!" Kagura chanted childishly from the hole she was stuck in, as she stuck her hand in her mouth and started fondling her uvula. She barfed out her lunch of sukonbu and rice with seeweed, which formed a disgusting pool surrounding Sougo's shoes, "URRRGGHHH!"

"Oh? Rice and seaweed? Boss must've hit jackpot today…" Sougo said nonchalantly, but clearly in disgust, "Oh? What are you doing? You look like a tomato."

Kagura was turning pink, which stood out on her white skin. She was also sweating a bit more. It made sense, since Yatos were weak to the sun.

"POOPER HEAD! TOILET BUTT!" Kagura shouted, insults popping into her head one after another. One of the skills she earned by staying with Gintoki (she referred to it, as a stain on her innocent heart), "YOU'RE LIKE THOSE STUPID SUKONBU PIECES THAT WON'T RIP OFF NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TEAR AT IT!"

Sougo smiled. He couldn't help but think about how disgusting this girl's breath was. Then, he faintly remembered being told that the Yato clan members were weak to the sun. Sougo smiled at how amusingly fun this will be.

"Thankfully, I brought a camera," Sougo said, and out a camera from his uniform vest, "And I've got some unbreakable ropes."

He quickly tied the ropes around a protesting and insulting Kagura, and set the camera in front of her face. It was a scorching day, with plenty of sunshine. Her position was almost fully exposed to the sun, and she wouldn't be able to move because of being trapped by not only debris but that unbreakable rope that Sougo received just a few days ago from the adult toy shop for Amantos.

"Okay, have a nice day~" Sougo said, started leaving after smearing his sticky pink bubblegum onto Kagura's nose, "Bye~"

"WAIT STUPID!" Kagura roared ferociously, wriggling with all her might, "POOPER HEAD! COME BACK! UNTIE ME! HOW DARE YOU SMEAR BUBBLEGUM ON ME?!"

Sougo grinned, "Oh? Want me to untie you? How about saying 'please'?"

"NO!" Kagura screeched, and Sadaharu just sat there, "RELEASE ME!"

"Say 'please'~" Sougo said, smiling right in her face, "Say it~~~"

Kagura growled at him in irritation. If only she was untied! She wanted to punch Sougo's stupid face and kick his balls. But then, sometimes you have to surrender, no?

"Please," she grumbled, barely audible from her pursed lips, "There I said it. LET ME GOOOO!"

"Ah, I'm so sorry, I couldn't hear you~" Sougo said, though he had heard her as clear as day. He was happy he was getting this all on tape, "What did you say?"

"YOU HEARD ME YOU BASTARD!" Kagura declined, struggling against the ropes, "PLEASE!"

"Good," Sougo nodded, with a satisfied look on his face, and stored away the camera. He could use this as fire power against her someday. He chuckled evilly.

'_Ugh, any longer and I'll MELT!'_ Kagura thought, and she almost could swear that she saw a river in front of her, before finding out it was her own stinky barf. Now she had to re-eat all that rice from lunch earlier Not that she was paying for the provided food.

"Well?!" Kagura said harshly, sharp blue eyes digging into brown-red eyes.

"Okay okay~~~" Sougo said, standing up and stretching, "Have a nice day~"

He walked away.

"WHAT THE HEEEEEEELLLLL!" Kagura screamed, "GET BACK HERE! POOP! BASTARD! DIE!"

Sougo was long gone.

"THAT BAAASTAAARD!" Kagura cried, and the people walking by seemed to purposely avoid her eye.

It took Kagura a while to realize she wasn't sweating anymore, and she was back to her normal white skin tone. To tell the truth, being almost fully underground provided coolness to her skin, and only her neck and face was warm. She realized her umbrella was open, giving her shade from the blazing sun.

'_Was it like this before?' _she thought, but shrugged. She decided that the next time she met Sougo, she would critically damage him.

**A/N:** hint hint, guess who put the umbrella up for her.

"ACHOO!"

Sougo wiped his nose on his sleeve. Some beautiful girl must be thinking about him.

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**I don't even ship KaguraxSougo... ('_')**

**Hope you enjoyed it. (review plz)**


	3. Only 1 percent between Kondo & Gorillas

**A** gorrilla.

Was he really degraded to this low of a level of species? Did he really resemble a gorilla THAT much?

Sure he was called gorilla by his adorable Otae-chan… and also by Sougo and Hijikata… and his cute brother-in-law (glasses-kun)... and... a bunch of other people...

BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN HE WAS AN ACTUAL GORILLA!

Kondo Isao stared in shock, as he stood at the shoji* of his office. *shoji- Japanese sliding doors

"Careful now Kondo-san," Yamazaki said to the large furry and stinky primate in a black Shinsengumi uniform, "I heard that you were sick, but not THIS sick… are you sure you wanna keep on working?"

"Groog," the gorilla grunted, as it slumped into Kondo's seat, "UGgrog logoog."

"Have a tissue," Yamazaki said in concern, and handed the fur covered mammal a white fluffy tissue, "that must be one stuffy nose for you to have to talk like this."

"Ug," the gorrlia snorted, and it slobbered its sticky juicy saliva all over the tissue.

'_OOOI!' _Kondo thought wildly, as he stared at the gorilla in utter disgust, _'what is this?! WHAT IS THIS?!'_

Yamazaki nonchalantly munched on a eggpan, as he turned and waved a hand.

"I'll be going now Kondo-san," Yamazaki said, and opened the shoji, "I hope you get better soon!"

Kondo frantically ducked behind a corner as a humming and cheerful Yamazaki walked away, footsteps heavy on the floor as he whipped his badminton racket around.

Slowly, Kondo slid the shoji open a bit and peeked back into the doors of his office.

There sat the gorilla, fumbling with picture frames and accidentally (or at least it seemed like it) ripping precious pieces of documents that was to be handed to higher positions of people.

'_NOOOOO!' _Kondo roared in his head as he watched the gorilla spill a cup of milk that Yamazaki brought for him onto a golden/yellow paper, _'THAT WAS FOR THE SHOGUN! THE SHOGUN! AARRGGHHH!'_

This was bad. Very bad.

Kondo slowly shut the shoji and turned to face the hallway towards the dining area, where the Shinsengumi members gorged themselves like wolves.

'_H-how did this happen…' _Kondo shivered, as a shaky disbelieving grin took place on his face, _'This isn't- it couldn't be true…'_

Suddenly, footsteps could be heard coming from the other end of the hallway.

'_Toshi!' _Kondo thought, as he caught sight of the demon vice-captain of the Shinsengumi.

Once again, Hijikata was ignoring the rules of smoking, and puffed on his cigar. His sharp blue eyes looked around for people who were disobeying rules or something like that. If he spotted someone, he was planning to make the commit seppuku.

The Shinsengumi gorilla had known him for a long time, so surely... he would understand... right?_  
_

"TOOOOOSHHHIIIIIII!" Kondo screamed, as he ran towards Hijikata, "PLEASE LISTEN TO MEE!"

All in that moment, Hijikata's foot met contact with Kondo's face, and smashed the captain's head into the pebble covered ground.

"SOUGO!" Hijikata roared triumphantly, as he rubbed the sole of his black shoes on Kondo's brown dirt-covered hair, "IT'S TOO BAD! YOUR ATTEMPT TO KILL ME BY SENDING A GORILLA WITH RABIES HAS FAILED!"

"N-no Toshi," Kondo squeaked, as he raised his hand from the ground to grip onto the cloth of Hijikata's black pants, "I-It's me- Kondo Isao captain of the Shinsengumi, NOT A GORILLA WITH RABIES!"

"Huh?" Hijikata mumbled, looking up with a confused look as he pressed his foot harder onto Kondo's head, "Okay, who's grunting like a gorilla? Stop it, it's annoying."

"OOOOI!" Kondo shouted, throwing Hijikata's foot off and pushing himself onto his elbows, "I'M NOT A GORILLA!"

"Shut up gorilla," Hijikata growled, as he slammed his foot back on Kondo's head, "You're under arrest for trying to steal a officer's mayonnaise."

"WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR MAYONNAISE?!" Kondo roared, as he wriggled under Hijikata's foot.

Hijikata glared at the gorilla, as he reached into his uniform to grab his handcuffs, but then paused. His glare softened. '_This is animal cruelty...' _Hijikata thought hesitatingly, '_but more importantly...'_

"Hmf, I'll let you off the hook just this time," Hijikata mumbled, as he turned and walked away, "since we're fellow mayonnaise lovers."

"I'm sorry Toshi, but I don't like mayonnaise the way you do," Kondo sweatdropped.

Kondo watched Hijikata leave, walking away from him.

But then Hijikata stopped.

He turned and started walking towards Kondo again.

He took out a yellow bottle, and out poured a glop of white-yellow substances, which's shape greatly resembled the shape of a doodoo.

"I was kidding," Hijikata smiled sheepishly, as if feeling ashamed for what he had done, "Here, have some. You must've been hungry."

'_TOOSHI, I DON'T WANT IT!' _Kondo couldn't help but scream from inside of his head.

Suddenly, Sougo strolled into the scene, walking to the rhythm of the digital music played by his sword.

"Oi, Hijikata-san…" Sougo said in a bored tone with his earphones plugged in his Kiku-ichimonji* "It's your turn to patrol the street. Have fun." *Kiku-ichimonji- that's the sword that can play dijital music- watch episode 101

"Tch," Hijikata grunted, as he lifted the black shoe of his from the gorilla-like Kondo's head, "I bet you didn't even do your job properly."

Hijikata left the Shinsengumi headquarters to finish Sougo's half-done work and his own work too.

Now that Hijikata was gone, Kondo couldn't try to communicate with him or make him understand what was happening anymore. His eyes whipped towards Sougo, _'Sougo's bound to help me! He thinks of me like a brother- I think!'_

"SOUUUGO!" Kondo shouted, jumping towards Sougo. He was swifly dodged and crashed into the spiky branches of a bush. He recieved cuts and scrapes over his limbs, and his clothes were ripped in long cuts by the sharp painful branches of the bush. Right at a spot where ripping was a definite no-no.

"Huh? Was that just a flying gorilla?" Sougo asked himself, as he turned to face the bushes Kondo landed in, only to find a big ass facing up towards him.

Sougo stared at it blankly for a while.

"He-hehehe, S-Sougo," Kondo chuckled nervously, as he started to get up again, "H-hey, d-do you-*"

Pain erupted, like a volcanic explosion.

"EEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !" Kondo screamed, 7 pitches higher than his usual voice.

The pain he experienced that day was unforgettable.

* * *

Sougo had been in utter confusion, so he had done the first thing that came to mind- stuff a missile used for bazookas up the ass.

Kondo was not pleased.

"Sooougoo," Kondo groaned, as he rubbed his ass. The bright red missile was still lodged there, "Why'd you do that…"

He gripped the missile that stuck out of his ass and pulled slightly on it.

Another explosion of pain.

"OOOOW!" Kondo howled, as he slowly pulled it out.

It was almost out… just a few more centimeters and…

It was stuck.

"Eh?" Kondo grunted, as he pulled a little harder.

It was completely stuck.

Now, not only was it bright red, it was also even more noticeable. Not to mention covered in a crap scent.

"SOUGOOOO!" Kondo screamed (like a middle school girl) "WHYYY!"

* * *

"A-ACHHOOO!" Sougo cried, as a droplet of snot came out of his nose.

He was carelessly wandering around the Kabuki district, and was currently heading towards the casino.

Sougo sniffed and wiped it on the sleeve of his gray kimono. Was he catching a cold?

He shrugged.

'_Whatever'_

* * *

"WHATEVER MY FOOT!" Kondo roared outrageously, "I'M BEING THOUGHT OF AS A GORILLA! YOUR SHINSENGUMI CAPTAIN IS BEING THOUGHT OF AS A GORILLA!"

He stared disbelievingly at the passing by members of the Shinsengumi, as they waved hello at each other and at the Gorilla-Kondo as if everything was normal.

"This isn't right this isn't right this isn't right," Kondo mumbled feverously as he hid under the front deck of the building, using his stalker skills that he only used for his 'Otae-chan'.

He had talked to almost everyone in the Shinsengumi. Could no one recongnize him? Did NO ONE see that it was a actual GORILLA that was the captain at the moment, and not Kondo Isao?!

Slowly, he crawled out from under the front deck and made his way out of the Shinsengumi head quarters.

Surely, his Otae-chan would be able to help?

* * *

**Maybe.**


	4. No matter what, Gorillas are Gorillas

**Part 2**

* * *

**Crawling** in the upper parts of an old dojo was hard if you had a large red missile shoved up your ass. It kept on getting bumped and pushed away by the old wooden beams that held the building's structure together. Constant waves of pain would enter from the holy hole (lol, get the pun?) and your chinko would be incredibly squished in the tight area. But it was worth it all if it was to get a sneak peek at Otae's latest undies. Nosebleeeeeeeed...

Blood dripped down Kondo's large nose (like Jackie Chan's), as he peeked through a small hole in the old brittle wood of the dojo ceiling which let out a ray of light into the dark space. And there he saw her, his beloved Otae-chan in her beautiful flowery kimonos, as always, greeting every single person with a kind loving welcome (this is Kondo vision).

"Shin-chan!" Otae smiled dazzlingly as she turned around with a flower-decorated lunch box in her hands, "I cooked you some scrambled eggs!"

"Ugh- Aneue, it's okay… I-I'm kind of full today," a pale Shinpachi stuttered as he shook his head, "I ate something before I woke up today…"

"Oh really?" Otae asked, as she wrapped up the lunch box in a pink and yellow cloth, "Then bring this to Gin-san and Kagura-chan okay? They'll love it! I've been working on my techniques lately…"

"O-okay," Shinpachi laughed nervously, eager to get away before his sister picked up his reluctance to eat the black substance of what you would call "egg". To Shinpachi, the black substance from before Otae had worked on her 'techniques' was still a poisonous deadly killing black substance.

Above the 2, Kondo had just gotten control of his nosebleed again as he leaned forwards to crawl one more inch, until the brittle ceiling (that obviously wasn't made to hold a 80kg man) couldn't hold his gorilla weight anymore and collapsed.

"AAAAAAH!" he screamed as gravity pulled him towards the dojo floor. He fell face flat and landed heavily on sharp pieces of wood and other objects that could cause a lot of pain. Shinpachi and Otae had jumped out of the way. Dust billowed in small clouds as Kondo slowly (and painfully) got back up on his elbows.

"W-what was that?" Shinpachi cried as he adjusted his glasses.

Kondo looked down and found himself lying on a… a spear?! There was also a dagger, arrows, and many more sharp weapons. Was this really a dojo?!

"Ah!" Otae said, as she picked up a kitchen knife from the kitchen counter, "Shinpachi, was there a runaway gorilla from any nearby zoo on the news?"

"Uh- No sis I don't, NO WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Shinpachi cried as Otae lifted the kitchen knife far above her head with an extremely dangerous aura leaking out of her.

"What are you talking about Shin-chan?" Otae asked sweetly, as she pointed the knife down towards Kondo's head, "I'm gorilla-hunting!"

"No, you can't hunt gorillas!" Shinpachi shouted as he restrained his sister by the arms, "THAT'S ANIMAL ABUSE!"

Kondo shivered in fear, mouth wide open as he struggled to crawl away from the kitchen knife's reach- but Otae had her foot planted on his back, so he was unable to escape, "OTAE-CHAN! IT'S ME! KONDO! KONDO ISAO!"

For some reason, the sentence angered Otae, as her eye flashed red as she roared, "SHIN-CHAN! PREPARE YOURSELF, WE'RE HAVING GORILLA SOUP TONIGHT!"

"OOOTAAAAEEE-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Kondo desperately screamed in the really high-pitched voice of a middle school girl, until her foot finally went loose a little and he managed to scramble away.

"THE GORILLA'S GETTING AWAY! DINNER IS GETTING AWAY!" Otae yelled in a crazed tone, as Shinpachi lost his grip on Otae and the kitchen knife slammed down, a centimeter from where Kondo was just a moment ago.

"SIS! CALM DOWN!" Shinpachi cried, but Otae had already set off, chasing after Kondo with the kitchen knife.

"OTAE-CHAN! I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU'RE CHASING AFTER ME INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND!" Kondo cried, desperately looking for escape routes, "…BUT THIS IS REALLY DANGEROUS!"

The phrase seemed to anger her even more. She radiated a red deadly furious aura that bellowed off of her. She was a demon.

"HE'LL MAKE A GREAT ACCOMPANIMENT WITH MY SCRAMBLED EGGS!" Otae screamed, and plunged the knife to the location Kondo's head would've been if he hadn't clumsily slipped on an half-cracked egg and fell face-first.

"ARE YOU PLANNING TO SCRAMBLE ME **WITH** THE EGGS?!" Kondo bellowed, as he jumped out of the way just in time as Otae slashed the sharp kitchen knife to the right, "I'LL DIE! I'LL SERIOUSLY DIE OTAE-CHAN!"

"Die gorilla," Otae said immediately and coldly, and plunged the knife down one last time.

'_Aaah, this is the end…' _Kondo sniffed, small tears welling up in his squeezed shut eyes, _'goodbye everyone… I love you Otae-chaaaaan! I'm sorry Toshi for forgetting to flush the toilet after I left!'_

Instead of the expected painful death, when he opened his eyes, Shinpachi was there. He had pushed his sister out of the way.

Tears welled up in Kondo's eyes in gratitude

"Brother! I KNEW YOU WOULD SAVE ME!" Kondo cried, jumping forwards to hug Shinpachi as tears gushed out in relief that his soul was still in his body, "SHIIIIIINPAAAACHIIIII!"

He was just barely dodged by a freaked out Shinpachi, as his beardy face collided into pots and pans with a loud crash.

"BANZAAAAI*!" Otae shouted, as she once again charged in for the kill.

*Banzai- a thousand years- live long

* * *

Why did no one listen?

Was it because he was a gorilla? Was he ugly? Was he an ugly-ass gorilla? Was his ass hairier than usual? Wait a sec, Kondo is checking...

Kondo managed to escape with only ten bruises everywhere and a really itchy chinko. Now, he was trying to follow Shinpachi towards his daily job -Odd Jobs Gin-chan- due to the fact he really had no clue what else to do.

"Hurry up gorilla-san," Shinpachi called, before turning back around and grumbling, "I can't believe I'm talking to a gorilla…"

"Shinpachi! I'm not a gorilla!" Kondo reminded but as he expected, it was no use.

What happened? Was it Kondo-the-Gorilla day? Is it the time of year where every Kondo Isao, captain of the Shinsengumi turned into a gorilla? Sure he looked like a gorilla, smelt like a gorilla, his beardy face felt like a gorilla and heck, he might even taste like a gorilla. Wait, did he? Kondo wasn't really up for being turned into gorilla soup though.

"We're here…" Shinpachi sighed, as he looked up towards the nostalgic building where the lazy-ass silver hair perm-headed samurai lived.

'_Yorozuya will help me…'' _Kondo thought, but then remembered that was the same thing he thought of Sougo, Hijikata and Otae-chan, which wasn't really convincing, _'but wait, this is Odd Jobs! He helps people doesn't he?'_

After Shinpachi slammed the shoji open, he roared, "GOOD MORNING GIN-SAN, KAGURA-CHAAAN! GET UP! IT'S MORNING!"

"Eh?" Kondo asked, as he looked towards the silver-perm's bedroom. It couldn't be. It was already 10:00 in the morning on a Monday. Surely he would be up, wouldn't he?

"GIN-SAN!" Shinpachi bellowed, banging ferociously on Gintoki's bedroom shoji, "GET UP!"

"Uuugh…"

A shoji slightly slid open from beside Kondo, and Kagura with an incredible bed head peeped her half-closed eyes out, "Shinpachi, why're you so noisy so early in the morning? What is it? Is someone giving birth? Who is? Did you finally do it? Shinpachi, I thought better of you…"

"Hell no! NO ONE'S giving birth!" Shinpachi said, while pointing his finger at Kagura who tuned half of what he said out in a dazed expression, "WHY WOULD I BE DOING IT?! WHO'S DOING IT?! IT'S NOT EARLY IN THE MORNING AT ALL!" (Shinpachi had obviously been practicing his straight man comments last night in the bathroom)

"Ah, Shinpachi…" Kagura sighed heavily, ignoring Shinpachi's flustered expression, "I know you're going through a troubled age… Mother is so worried…"

"WHO'S MOTHER?!" Shinpachi cried, before giving up on the pointless argument, "Guh, well Kagura, get up and help me kick Gin-san up too."

"Good night," Kagura mumbled, and slowly shut the shoji again.

"DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP!" Shinpachi yelled, and slammed open the shoji to drag Kagura out, "GET UP!"

"Noooo…" Kagura slurred, as she got dragged and dropped onto the wooden ground of the 'Otose Snack Shop' second floor with a 'BAM'. She curled up and started snoring again with drool dribbling out of her mouth. A bubble had formed on her nose, and it grew and shrunk, synchronized with her breathing.

"Wake up Kagura-chan," Shinpachi sighed in irritation, as he nudged her with his hand, "It's already 10:00!"

Now, Kondo was a good man. He felt sympathetic for Shinpachi and decided to help. Sometimes, it would be better for him not to though.

Deciding to help Shinpachi wake up his dull-headed dead-fish eyed boss, he walked forwards and opened the shoji bedroom as Shinpachi shook Kagura like crazy. Then, he walked towards the sleeping curled-up figure of Gintoki, who was drooling on his pillow and snoring.

"WAKE UP YORO-" Kondo started yelling, until his gorilla luck kicked in and his clumsy gigantic hairy gorilla foot tripped on a piece of wooden flooring sticking up from the floor.

'_Gah! I'm about to fall!' _Kondo thought, and his body automatically reacted by using his arms and legs to suspended him above of the ground. Also above Gintoki (who was still snoring and drooling like a baby).

Just at that moment Shinpachi entered the room, wondering when he had opened the shoji, to see an extremely suggestive pose. Gorilla x Gintoki

"G… G… G…" Shinpachi stuttered, utterly speechless as he stared at the Gorilla-Kondo (who had his missile-stuck up butt facing him), "G…"

Also, Gintoki decided to finally wake up at that moment too.

"Shinpachi… what are you stuttering about? Shut up, it's so early in the morning… Did you finally lose control and hump some bitc-" he got choked in mid-sentence as he fully widened his dead-fish eyes to see a disgusting panicked gorilla face above him.

* * *

**BOOOM!**

**CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSH**

**CRACK!**

**"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

"Otose-san," Catherine said dully while reluctantly mopping the hard concrete floor of the snack shop, "They're really noisy."

"Aren't they?" Otose sighed as she blew out the smoke she breathed in from the cigarette hanging between her index and middle finger. The butt glowed as a bit of the cinders crumbled off of the small cigar, "Not a single morning are they quiet. Though it was pretty silent before that Shinpachi came working here."

"Shinpachi? Oh, yeah, that glasses-kun!" Catherine cried, remembering the four-eyed straight man.

"Catherine, you must be getting old," Otose hummed as she chuckled triumphantly, "To forget one of the protagonists in our anime/manga!"

Catherine growled, "Shut up old granny, like you're the one to talk."

"What was thaaaat?!" Otose snarled back, eyes flashing red for a moment.

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

**"N-N-N-N-N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO S-SAVE ME GOOD LORD JESU-"**

**CRACK!**

***deadly silence***

Bristles of wood fell from the ceiling of the snack bar.

"...Otose-san..."

"Hm?"

"They're really noisy aren't they?"

"Yeah..."

* * *

The side of Kondo's face was swollen and his eyeball felt like it was just squashed and shoved back in its eyes socket. All around his body was wounds and bruises that were probably going to last for a few weeks and the last blow hurt like a mother- his precious joystick was aching badly.

"Gin-san," Shinpachi trailed off, "Maybe you didn't have to do that to gorilla-san…"

'_Exactly!'_ Kondo thought triumphantly, feeling incredibly pleased that his great respectful and responsible "little brother-in-law" was defending him, _'it was just a misunderstanding!'_

"Kagura," Gintoki said dully, "I think we should just kill the gorilla and eat it for lunch."

"Ugh, I've been only eating sukonbu for days…" Kagura complained, "Good idea Gin-chan! Then we can have gorilla-seaweed and gorilla-rice!"

"NO! DON'T COOK ME!" Kondo cried, shaking his head desperately, "AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TURN ME INTO SEAWEED AND RICE?!"

The Yorozuya raised his pinky up to stick in the nostril of his nose.

"Shinpachi,... you shouldn't be deceived by the gorilla's evil stealthy words," Gintoki warned absentmindedly, lying down on the old couch, "He must've escaped from an S and M place. See? There's a missile stuffed up his a**."

"NO! DON'T BELIEVE HIS WORDS SHINPACHI!" Kondo shouted, looking at Shinpachi with the most pitiful eyes ever, "DON'T BELIEVE THEM!"

To his dismay, Shinpachi was staring at him in utter disgust, as if he had just bombarded, invaded and destroyed the gates to virginity.

"SHIIINPACHIIIIIIII!" Kondo groaned, a cloud of depression hanging over him.

Gintoki sighed.

"Was there a run-away gorilla from a zoo or something?" Gintoki asked, as he walked over to the small-screened TV and clicked on the power button, "Ah, time for Ketsuno Ana-chan."

The small lame TV screen flickered on, and the dainty figure of cute Ketsuno showed up on the screen. She was standing at the terminal as she carefully held the microphone, staring seriously into the camera.

_"…-nd the police are rushing forwards to find the problem," Ketsuno reported, and turned to the tall tower where ships left to exit Earth's atmosphere, "People who are born in the year of the monkey are turning into gorillas. It is thought to be caused by the Amanto living on Planet Gorilla, who are unhappy. The reason why is unknown."_

"Oh!" Kagura exclaimed all of the sudden, "This was taught by mother back on my planet!"

"Huh? What is it Kagura-chan?" Shinpachi asked.

"Everyone is born in a certain year…" Kagura explained, "There's the year of the rat, the year of the dragon, the year of the snake, the year of the blue-ray DVD player…"

"Blue-ray DVD player? Is there really a year like that?" Shinpachi asked in disbelief, as he adjusted his glasses.

"Shinpachi," Gintoki grumbled dully, "Don't be stupid, of course there's the year of the Blue-ray DVD player. There's also the year of the strawberry deluxe parfait right?"

"Wow! Gin-chan is REALLY SMART!" Kagura cried in awe.

"KAGURA-CHAN! DON'T BE FOOLED BY HIS STUPIDICY!" Kondo roared, before getting another painful swollen black eye by Gintoki.

"Oi oi, gorilla-san is really noisy," Gintoki complained, seeming to be nonchalant but really radiating a murderous that was obvious to all, "What do you guys think about gorillas for lunch? I think it's a great idea."

Just as Gintoki was about to swing his fist down on the gorilla-Kondo's face for the 52nd time, Shinpachi interrupted.

"Gin-san, calm down, Ketsuno-chan is saying something!" Shinpachi said, and leaned closer to the TV to hear.

_"…now we will request the Shinsengumi vice-captain will fill in a word for us," Ketsuno Ana said, and ran towards Hijikata, who was standing beside a police car near a huge group of Shinsengumi members._

_"Huh?" Hijikata replied, blowing out a small cloud of smoke from his cigar as he turned his dull serious blue eyes towards Ketsuno after she asked for information, "Well, we have a theory that Planet Gorilla did this to all the people born in the year of the monkey," Hijikata said, while lighting a cigarette, "Yeah, and we're still investigating so back off."_

_He walked off, smoke floating up from a cigar between his fingers._

_"As you can see, the vice-captain has coldly turned us away," Ketsuno said, clearly a little agitated which messed up her pretty face, "So now we will ask the Captain of the Shinsengumi, Kondo Isao."_

_Ketsuno ran up to the gorilla in the Shinsengumi uniform that had acted as him and asked, "Is there anything you can tell us about this recent catastrophe?"_

_"Ug googluregu," the gorilla replied, while stupidly munching on a banana, "Guguopugu."_

_Ketsuno didn't say a word, as she narrowed her eyes in concentration, staring at the gorilla's stinky and stupid face in close inspection. She then turned around to face a Shinsengumi member standing diligently beside the gorilla at high attention._

_"Excuse me," she asked the man, "But isn't he a gorilla?"_

_"Ehhh? What are you talking about?" the Shinsengumi member asked, as if that was the most outrageous thing to say, "That's our captain, Kondo Isao!"_

_"N-no, no matter how you look at it, he's a gorilla," Ketsuna Ana stuttered, laughing nervously._

_"Your eyes must be playing tricks on you. Are you trying to make fun of the Shinsengumi?!" the man asked in a dangerous tone, "ARE YOU?!"_

_"N-no, of course not!" Ketsuno laughed, though an irritated expression appeared on her face, "I'm so sorry!"_

"GYAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!"

Kagura started laughing outrageously, tears rolling down her eyes as she fell to the floor rolling about, "HAHAHA, GORILLA WAS MISTAKEN FOR A GORILLA!"

"NO! THAT GORILLA _IS_ A GORILLA! KONDO-SAN IS RIGHT HERE!" Kondo roared.

"That's mean Kagura-chan," Shinpachi stated, as he started brushing the dust-covered floor with a broomstick, "think about Kondo-san's feelings."

"I FEEL KINDA HURT RIGHT NOW YOU KNOW?!"

"Don't worry Shinpachi," Gintoki grumbled as he poked the pinky out of his nose to inspect the small treasure he found, "He only has feelings for your monster-of-a-sister."

"OTAE-CHAN ISN'T A MONSTER! SHE'S AN ANGEL!"

Huffing and just tired out, Kondo slumped back on the couch and sighed. Why did he even bother? He should just go back to Hijikata or Sougo and make them help him. Seriously, why in the world did he think Yorozuya would help him? Also, he had to get back to the Shinsengumi. They were doing and investigating under the supervision and orders of a GORILLA.

"Gin-san," Shinpachi sighed, "You might as well see if you can return gorilla somewhere."

"Ah, right! The gorilla," Kagura said, remembering Kondo's presence, "Yeah Gin-chan, you do that!"

"EEEH? Why me?" Gintoki growled as he hauled himself up from the couch, "Shinpachi, don't push your troubles on me and just leave them there."

"But Otsu-chan has a concert in a little while," Shinpachi loudly said, with a tone of great importance.

"Like hell I care. Shinpachi, get rid of the gorilla," Gintoki complained as he scratched his silver perm hair in irritation.

"Ah! I have to go now!" Shinpachi cried, and grabbed his back to leave.

"OOOIII! Come back Shinpachi!" Gintoki shouted, but Shinpachi was already speeding towards the beach where the Otsu-chan Fan Club was warming up.

"Damn it, he left," Gintoki growled, and his gaze immediately flew to Kagura, "Kagura, you take care of it. You get along great with animals like Sadaharu!"

"But Gin-chan," Kagura said sadly, looking down in distress, "The last time I had a pet from Earth… I wanted to pet it but I accidentally petted it too hard and it got stuck in the ground! And it stayed there forever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and 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and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and 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and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and everand ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and 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and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and 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and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and eve and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and 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ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever, and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever-"

"OIOIOIOIOIIII!" Kondo screamed with fear, "YOROZUYA, DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THIS CREEPY GIRL! PLEASE! I'LL DIE! I'LL FREAKING DIE!"

"It's okay Kagura-chan," Gintoki said simply, "The gorilla won't mind."

"THE GORILLA WON'T MIND MY HAIRY ASS!" Kondo screeched desperately, "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

"Gin-chan, sorry but I'm going to go buy sukonbu now," Kagura mumbled (a look of disgust on her face), and slipped on her shoes, "BYE!"

"KAGURA! DON'T IGNORE ME!" Gintoki almost screamed with desperation, but the Yato girl had already slammed the door shut behind her and _fled_ off.

'_Why do I get the feeling nobody wants to be with me?' _Kondo thought, on the verge of tears.

Gintoki sighed.

"Damn it, I guess it's only me and you gorilla…" Gintoki grumbled, grabbing his wooden 'Lake Toya' sword, "Let's go throw you into the zoo."

He wore on his black boots and exited the building, with a hairy gorilla that was wearing a ripped kimono and a rocket up his ass lumbering behind him.

* * *

**Stuff will happen next. Too lazy to say what.**


	5. Your Impostor Could Be A Gorilla

**Part 3**

* * *

_"Please do not panic, a vaccine is being developed," Ketsuno Ana said calmly, with a microphone firmly clenched in her hand, "It should be ready for testing tomorrow, so please stay patient all citizens of Edo."_

From the outside of a TV store, Gintoki stared through the glass wall of the store towards the big-screen HD TV on display at his favorite weather girl report the current situation.

"Yes 'mam," he replied, as if Ketsuno was talking to him.

Well, it makes sense then.

He turned around to take another look at the streets of Edo.

Sure there were many people, as usual, but at the same time, there were also a lot of gorillas. Gorillas sneezing, eating, jumping, howling, panicking, screeching, picking it's nose, smelling each other, picking each other's fleas, eating the fleas, poking, laughing, swinging on buildings like a rip-off version of Spiderman, attacking people, harassing each other, and etc. Stuff that isn't really pretty.

"Hey, gorilla-san," Gintoki said in a cheery voice that sounded completely fake, "Look at all the friends you have now. Now go on, go have fun, I know you want to."

The gorilla stared at him, as Gintoki turned and left the gorilla to buy some strawberry juice that he was incredibly craving for.

"Urguoujrpgiora! GJKDAURUGUUUCHEESECAKEDAGOTRUCAGO!" the gorilla howled at Gintoki, as if demanding him to come back and help him.

"Shut up gorilla," Gintoki grumbled as he used his pinky to dig his earwax, "Unless you have money, then go away and enjoy your time in freedom before all the people get cured and you have to go back to the zoo. Go visit an S&M place or something."

"Groguloodoshoiurgxnaruto," the gorilla said, shaking his head in denial, and started forwards to follow Gintoki.

The rest of the day was terrible. The gorilla could follow him no matter where he went. Gintoki tried to lose the gorilla by suddenly running and merging into the crowd, but he was easily found again and followed. He cursed the stalker gorilla and his own stupid silver perm hair.

"FINE!" Gintoki shouted, finally on his last straw, "I'll help you do whatever you're trying to make me do!"

"GOOG" the gorilla replied triumphantly, "GROGULAOLGU!"

The gorilla gestured with his hand for Gintoki to follow him, as he turned and walked towards some unknown destination. After a few turns and a few minutes dodging of some on-the-run gorillas, the reached the Shinsengumi headquarters.

"What the hell gorilla," Gintoki sighed, "If you wanted to get arrested, then you could've done it on your own."

"NOWGHOUDGGOGOGOGOWRUJHSRHGOMICHEALJACKSON!" the gorilla replied immediately, shaking his head in objection, "GORSDRUGOURUDSKJFUDOUROGURSUGNADOPEESOLAATIDOCARL YRAEJEPSON!"

"I don't get what you're saying, but alright," Gintoki sighed, and continued to follow the gorilla in.

A Shinsengumi guard spotted them and yelled, "WHO ARE YOU?! STATE YOUR IDENTITY!"

"Jeez, as uptight as ever," Gintoki grumbled, and shouted back, "YOROZUYA BOSS, SAKATA GINTOKI AND A GORILLA!"

"A WHAT?!"

"A GORILLA!"

"WHAT?!"

"ARE YOU DEAF?! I SAID A **GORILLA**!"

"WHY'D YOU BRING A GORILLA HERE?!"

"I HAVE NO CLUE!"

The gorilla stepped in and yelled back, "GROGU! GU GAMGU DEZVEHUSHISENGUMAIKAIGOISHOOKUDONDUGLOJUSTINBEIBER !"

The gorilla was completely ignored, as the two continued to yell back and forth. Finally, the noise was disrupted.

"Hey Boss, whatcha doing?" Sougo asked, strolling towards them from the building, "Why's it so loud?"

The Shinsengumi guard immediately stood at attention at the sight of Sougo, and stepped back to report, "A SUSPICIOUS PERSON HAS COME WITH A GORILLA AND IS REQUESTING TO…"

"Grogurlsdurgo." The gorilla helped.

"TO GROGURLSDURGO!" the guard finished his report, and stepped back, before realizing what he had said and blushing.

"To meet the Shinsengumi captain?" Sougo asked, which surprised them all, "Sure, why not."

The gorilla seemed to be praising Sougo, as he yelled out random and completely confusing words and sounds. Sougo seemed to nod, as if understanding each and every word he was saying.

"He must be half-monkey," Gintoki grumbled, as he followed Sougo and the gorilla into the headquarters. There was a series of halls and turns, and many many rooms. They passed a room where a bunch of the Shinsengumi were grouped up and playing UNO. They then passed the bathrooms (which radiated stinky), and also the dining area, where a few Shinsengumi members were wolfing down food.

"We're here," Sougo said dully, and gesturing towards the shoji with his thumb, "Go ahead, I'm gonna leave now, bye boss."

Sougo turned and left, with gorilla-san staring at his retreating back with shining and praising eyes.

"S'cuse us," Gintoki yelled, and opened the shoji, to find himself face-to-face with Kondo Isao, "Hey!"

"Eh? Yorozuya?" Kondo said, looking up from the mass of papers on the desk. He looked like he was just drowning in misery until Gintoki came in, "Why're you here?"

"A customer wanted to meet you," Gintoki said, and glanced at the gorilla who poked his head in.

There was an awkward silence.

"A g-gorilla?!" Kondo asked, "Um, is he a personwhoturnedintoagorilla?"

"No, he's a gorillawhowasbornagorilla," Gintoki replied, and started picking his nose, "Well, my work here is done. Gorilla, have fun with the gorilla okay?"

Gintoki turned around to leave, but the gorillawhowasbornagorilla caught his arm.

"What is it?" Gintoki asked in exasperation, "You wanted to meet gorilla, now you got to see the gorilla, what else do you want gorillawhowasbornagorilla? I still have a pachinko meeting with the MADAO!"

"OOglurushshcuurdkirdooberSpongeBobSquarePants!" the gorilla snorted, and then shouted, "Grogulusdhrisunoplushyteddybears!"

"What?" Gintoki asked in complete confusion.

"OOOOOOH!" Kondo roared, "I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN!"

"Eh? Gorilla, you can understand gorilla?" Gintoki asked.

"Don't underestimate Kondo Isao!" Kondo grinned triumphantly, but with an evil look in his eyes. What? Evil?

"GOOulULSHIOOBADOOROBERTMUNSCH!" the gorilla protested, shaking his head with a desperate look, "SOJIUSOKOSOLOBODONOGOAPERCYJACKSON!"

"He wants to see what jail looks like," Kondo translated.

"GOOOOOOSHODOGOOOO!" the gorilla screamed, shaking his head in objection, "JOONOSGOSOLOTERRYFOX!"

"Okay, let's go then gorillawhowasbornagorilla," Kondo said, and stood up to bring the gorilla there, almost ignoring the gorillawhowasbornagorilla's protests and complete rejects.

"Um, Kondo-san?" Gintoki asked, as he watched the gorilla's protests, "I don't think that's what he's saying…"

But Kondo was already marching away, with the gorillawhowasbornagorilla in handcuffs.

Gintoki thought for a moment. Kondo Isao wasn't acting very gorilla-ish today. He shrugged. Whatever. And off he went to play pachinko.

* * *

**Gorilla-san's acting strangely and gorillawhowasbornagorilla is going to be handcuffed and jailed! Gintoki notices the strange change in Kondo's personality, but he's too lazy to care! What happens next?**

**Well I'll tell you what happens next!**

**LOOOVE!**

**...that was a joke.**


	6. Planet Gorilla and Black Devils

**Part 4**

* * *

"You new here?" a buck-toothed prisoner huskily asked, as he stared at the gorilla with squinted and ugly looking eyes, "Well, I hope you get used to the way things work in this prison. This isn't girl scouts camp."

The gorillawhowasbornagorilla looked up at him with pitiful eyes, as he whimpered and teared up. What was happening? Why was this happening to him?

He rocked side to side on the cold dusty concrete ground, careful not to bump the missile still lodged in his holy opening. Through the cold metal bars of the prison, there were muscular guards holding spears, expressions completely serious and blank. Faint light from the moon glowed in the prison room from the barred windows above gorilla's head.

He was alone. Sure there were many other gorillas out there, running around, panicking, just like him, but he was the only one with an imposter who wanted to take his place in the world. Why didn't anyone realize that it was a GORILLA? Why could everyone understand the ACTUAL gorilla's 'oofumbahsoloogodtosingapore's, but not his?

Curled up and exhausted from yelling and indicating and jumping up and down, he decided to take a nap. Maybe then, things would be better. Or maybe he would wake up and find out that this is all a dream or a prank that Sougo set up for him.

* * *

Gintoki slowly opened his eyes, to see the word 'cieling' written on the cieling like he did everyday. His head was aching badly.

He was lying on his back, on his futon. Daylight streamed in from the window. It was a quiet morning compared to yesterday, which was filled with howls and monkey eeks and ooks.

His hangover was killing him.

He dragged himself up, and stumbled towards the bathroom to brush his teeth and take a piss. Then, he would kick Kagura up and go buy some jump. Maybe he could even buy some strawberry milk if his wallet allowed it, though he had lost all of the measly little earnings he got from the pachinko meeting with the MADAO yesterday.

His breath was stinky to the point that he could barely breathe.

Tightening the black belt around his waist, Gintoki opened the shoji to the living room. He lumbered towards Kagura's tiny little room with a big yawn.

"Kagura," Gintoki spoke dully, as he pulled the shoji open, "Get the hell up…"

"N-no… N-never…," Kagura whimpered, shivering in her sleep from a nightmare. She was curled up, and her back was facing Gintoki.

"Kaguraaaaaaa…" Gintoki slurred, and started to shake her violently, "Up and at it…"

"S-stop… l-leave me a-alone…" Kagura stuttered, as she shook her head, still deep in sleep.

" Oi, Kagur-"

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Two pairs of feet shot out from inside the tiny 'bedroom', and collided painfully with Gintoki's face. Gintoki went sailing smoothly across the room, and crashed head-first into the couch, which flipped onto its back, before leaving a big fat dent in the wooden flooring. Gintoki thought his head was going to explode from that hangover.

"W-W-W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Gintoki shouted furiously, bursting back up into standing position and ignoring the blood pouring down his forehead and nostrils, "I WAS KINDLY WAKING YOU UP!"

He stuck his tongue out, "LOOK, I BIT MY TONGUE BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Ah, thank goodness, it's just Gin-chan," Kagura sighed in relief, as she sat up from her futon with squinted eyes, "Haaah, I thought you were a pikachu-evolved Dumbldore, trying to eat me."

"What kind of dream is that?!" Gintoki retorted, as he rubbed his tongue on the roof of his mouth in attempt to dull the pain, "It should be Gandolf."

"Dumbledore is so much more awesome," Kagura objected, jumping down from her futon, "Yosh! What's for breakfast? Chicken? Beef? Sushi?"

"Haaah whatever… well let's see," Gintoki said, lumbered over to the refridgerator while clutching his head in agony. Cold air blew his face as he opened the small door, "We have some lovely raw eggs on rice, eggs raw on rice, rice on raw eggs, rice on eggs raw, on rice raw eggs, on rice eggs raw, and some _oeufs crus sur le riz*, _

*Oeufs crus sur le riz- raw eggs on rice (french)

"I see! How delicious!" Kagura exclaimed, "Lets have some _crus oeufs le ruz sur*!_"

_*_eggs raw rice on

"Gotcha," Gintoki said, and took out the rice from yesterday's left-over's along with an egg. He messily broke the shell and poured the yolk onto the rice, "Tadaaaah~, here's your gourmet meal."

"Yaay! Itadakimas!" Kagura smiled happily, as she snatched up her chopsticks and started gorging herself with the small bowl of rice and eggs.

"Yeah, itadakimas…" Gintoki mumbled, before also taking bites of his breakfast (rice on rice).

For a moment, there was silence, only disrupted by the chomps or the gulps of the two eating.

Kagura paused in mid-chomp and set her bowl down on the table. She stared forwards with dull, forfeiting eyes and mumbled, "Gin-chan, I don't think I can keep going…"

Gintoki paused, and set his bowl down on the table.

"Hang in there Kagura-chan…" Gintoki said, and gave her a determined, serious look, "You can do this…"

"B-but…" Kagura protested, but was interrupted by Gintoki.

"A real sumarai never gives up, and always does his best to finish his goal," Gintoki said, picking up her bowl and handing it to her encouragingly, "I believe you can make it…"

"Gin-chan, you told me that the more enthusiastic you are when eating something, the better it tastes…" Kagura whispered, before throwing her bowl down with a crash (in process, spilling her sticky eggy rice), and roaring, "BUT IT TASTES JUST THE SAAAAAAMEEE!"

"Kagura, you're not ethusastic enough," Gintoki explained, "Enjoy the taste. Savour it."

"WE'VE BEEN EATING THE SAME THING FOR 3 MONTHS ALREADY! THAT'S 9 CHAPTERS!" Kagura shouted, eyes flashing red and hands clutched into a fist, "I CAN'T LIVE OFF OF _OEUFS CRUS SUR LE RIZ_ AND SUKONBU ONLY! I WANNA EAT SEAWEED ON RICE!"

"Come on already, try to feel the_ excitement_ of putting a foreign object in your mouth, and digesting the _precious _substances that will give your body nutrition," Gintoki said, while playing with his chopsticks.

Out popped Sa-chan from under the table with an expression of utter ecstasy. Her mouth was wide open and her arms spread, "GIN-SAN! I'M READY! PUT IT ALL IN! I CAN'T WAIT TO DIJEST GIN-SAN'S CHINK-"

Her glasses lenses were harshly stabbed by two chopsticks. The glasses cracked and broke.

"I don't feel really excited." Kagura grumbled, and then reached towards Gintoki's bowl, "GIMME YOUR BREAKFAST, I BET IT TASTES BETTER!"

"Hell no! This is MY rice on rice!" Gintoki protested, and grabbed the bowl out of her reach. He placed it back on the table on the other end of Kagura.

"NO! GIMME A BITEEE!" Kagura roared, and lunged forwards to snatch it.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Gintoki screeched in imitation of Gandolf, and body-checked her.

"Helloooo!" Shinpachi called, as he opened the shoji to Yorozuya Gin-chan's home, but what he saw in front of him was a full-out battle between the endless pit and the impossibly stubborn silver perm. A gigantic white dog had the front seats.

"Guh, I'm leaving," Gintoki mumbled after Kagura finally grabbed the bowl and chugged it down, and dropped the dishes into the sink, "Be a good girl and feed , clean the house up."

"FINE!" Kagura shouted, flinging a booger at him in rebellion..

"Why should I, I'm not a maid," Shinpachi protested.

"That's what your character is for!" Gintoki exclaimed, "Why else would our gorilla mangaka create you?!"

"OI! DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE STRAIGHT MAN!" the glasses roared, as Shinpachi gleamed like a diamond, "AND WHY IS 'THE GLASSES' AND 'SHINPACHI' SWITCHED?!"

Gintoki left the room, and started walking lazily towards the convenience store to buy some JUMP.

* * *

"Why do I have to do this… Gin-san should take care of his OWN house…" Shinpachi grumbled endlessly, as he swept the floor in an apron, "I'm not a maid… I'm just a glasses bo- I mean, the straight man of Gintama… oh wait a sec… the straight man is the one who usually has to suffer all of the stupidity of the other people in mangas… WHY ME?!..."

Kagura played enthusiastically with Sadaharu, who barked and attempted to bite her whenever she poked his nose. Kagura's supernatural Yato strength prevented it from happening though.

Knock Knock…

Shinpachi looked up and paused between one of the complaints leaking out of his mouth. Putting the broom to a side and throwing off the flowery apron, he walked towards the shoji to see who it was.

"Hello?" Shinpachi asked, as he slid open the shoji to see who it was.

A boy about Kagura's age stood in front of him. He had pure black hair with long bangs, and wore a formal black suit and tie, as if he was going to a funeral. What especially caught Shinpachi's attention were his incredibly dull black dead-looking eyes.

'Gloomy guy' Shinpachi couldn't help but think.

"Um, so can I help you?" Shinpachi asked, and the boy nodded, "Come in…"

The boy entered, taking off his black running shoes plopped down on the couch on the opposite of Kagura. He silently stared at the two with dull flat eyes. Shinpachi awkwardly sat down, a little uncomfortable by the quiet gloomy awkward atmosphere clouded around the boy in black.

"…Do you have a request?" Shinpachi asked, and couldn't help but twitch his eyebrow in irritation at Kagura, who was uselessly chewing sukonbu behind him in silence, watching the scene as if she wasn't in the room.

The boy stared at the two emotionlessly for a while, and slowly opened his mouth, just about to say something until-

"KAGURAAAAA, SHINPAAACHIIII! I'M HOOME!" Gintoki shouted, as he walked in loudly, "AND I BOUGHT YOU SOME-"

He spotted the gloomy looking boy, seated at the couch looking at him.

"Eh? Who's this brat?" Gintoki asked as he set a plastic bag full of -strawberry milk, JUMP and chocolate (that he found on the ground and was going to give Kagura and Shinpachi) onto the table, before slumping down beside the boy.

"Gin-san, he just came in. He's a customer," Shinpachi said, before casting an uncertain eye at the boy, "Erm, at least I think he is…"

Gintoki snorted, "Him? I'll bet the brat doesn't have a yen on him!"

The boy dug out a black wallet, and opened it. He waved it in front of Gintoki's face. Gintoki's eyes buldged.

'SO MUCH MONEEEYYYY!' Gintoki thought, as he watched the boy tempt him (face still emotionless) by waving the wallet around and shoving it in his face.

"TEA SHINPACHI!" Gintoki shouted, and Shinpachi immediately saluted. Gintoki wasn't the only one who saw the money.

"YESSIR!" Shinpachi roared, and raced off towards the kitchen to prepare food.

"I'LL GIVE HIM A MASSAGE!" Kagura yelled, and ran over to the boy preparing to give a hardcore 100% force massage that she always used on her dad when she was little, "HERE WE GOOO!"

Just as Shinpachi returned and slammed the teacup onto the table, a big "POP" resounded around the room.

The brat was still emotionless, but his arm was twisted in a strange angle…

Silence…

"I…" The boy spoke for the first time, as he turned his head to stare at Kagura with his dull eyes, "think you broke dislocated my arm."

Gintoki and Shinpachi started sweating. If the boy was angry or irritated, would he leave (along with the precious money)? NO! They couldn't let that happen!

"O-of course it's not dislocated," Gintoki laughed nervously, in attempt to cover up Kagura's mistake, "here, I'll fix it, one sec…"

Crack.

The arm was now twisted the other way, and the angle was stranger than before.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gintoki screamed in his head, and Shinpachi stepped up to attempt to fix the mistake.

"Ahahaha, sorry, sorry, that wasn't how you fix undislocated shoulders," Shinpachi said, sweating like crazy, "Here, let me-"

"No thanks," the boy replied immediately.

'HE'S ANGRYY! THE BRAT'S ANGRYYYY!" Gintoki screeched in his head, and Shinpachi paled. Kagura was throwing up in a corner.

The boy lifted his arm onto the shoulder of the dislocated one, and breathed in deep. Suddenly, he twisted his dislocated arm and a 'POP' was heard.

"Done," The boy said, and lifted his used-to-be dislocated arm up and down to test it, "Will you please listen to my request?"

Silence…

"O…okay…" the trio said, and slumped down on the other couch in apology.

"You must have heard on the news that there's a gorilla outbreak right?" the boy asked, as he quietly sipped the tea glasses-boy provided. ("I'm NOT GLASSES BOY," Shinpachi shouts.)

"Yeah," Gintoki said, "What about it?"

"The Shinsengumi is correct, it is caused by the Planet Gorilla," The boy said emotionlessly, "They are apparently unhappy because their Princess Bubbles got rejected by some stupid human, and Bubbles is getting revenge by turning gorilla-year people into gorillas so that she can marry a Earthling because apparently she thinks Earth humans are 'incredibly handsome kyaaa'."

Shinpachi sweated. Yep, they know a really stupid human gorilla who didn't marry some gorilla named Princess Pearl.

Gintoki and Kagura's face was completely blank. They completely didn't remember the incident.

"Yeah, and what does it have to do with us?" Gintoki asked, while rubbing Kagura's head to get rid of his fine boogers.

"They made an antidote for this," the boy said, "For now, the amanto Gorillas are walking around because they can blend in with the crowd. I want you to catch one of them, and bring them to me so I can interrogate them. Then, if you want more money, call me and I'll have another task for you."

"Okay then… but before anything happens, _who are you_?" Shinpachi asked, "What's your name?"

The boy looked at Shinpachi with his dull, flat black eyes, "I'm just some boy from a different planet who happened to become a hostage for some spaceship hijackers, and the spaceship crashed. Then I found myself on Planet Yato, which sucked, and then I became a victim for more spaceship hijackers, and found myself on Earth."

"That didn't answer my question, it only told me about how you got to Earth," Shinpachi said, "and that you're an amanto."

"If it's for money, I'll do anything," the boy continued emotionlessly, completely ignoring glasses-boy ("OOIII!" Shinpachi roared).

The boy passed a card towards the Yorozuya boss, who grabbed it and read it. It had the boy's phone number and email on it, along with the following:

Freelancer

Kuro-Akuma

"Hmm, Black Devil eh?" Gintoki chuckled, and stuffed it in his pocket, "Yeah okay, we accept your offer!"

"Thanks for doing business with me," the black devil said dully, and turned around and walked off, "capture the gorilla within the next 7 days, and I'll give you the money."

He tied his running shoes and left the place.

After he had gone, Gintoki turned towards Shinpachi and Kagura, "You guys, capture the gorilla. I'm going to follow that guy."

"Eh? Why?" Kagura asked, while ripping a piece of sukonbu off.

"That guy… he's kind of familiar…" Gintoki said, and turned around to wear on his boots, "Anyways, you better capture the gorilla within the next 7 days, and if you do, we'll be eating hot pot for the rest of the year!"

"YESSIR!" Kagura roared, eager to eat anything other than eggs on rice and ran out of the shoji, dragging Shinpachi along.

Gintoki closed the shoji behind him and sighed, "Here we go then…"

**The name 'Black Devil' seems familiar to Gintoki- the Shiroyasha! Why does he know that name? What is the history behind the young boy in black?**

**Coming soon in to theaters…**

**Just kidding.**


End file.
